You know, it's hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. Isn't that amazing? It's a year. And you know, it's incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster: The Republican party." -Jay Leno

"Today marks the official beginning of President Obama's second year in office. He has three years left, but NBC offered him $45 million to leave altogether." -Jimmy Fallon

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"It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs." -Jon Stewart

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"Scott Brown posed naked for Cosmo when he was in law school. See back then, GOP stood for Grand Old Package." -Jay Leno [See attached centerfold.]

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"I am Conan O'Brien, and I am just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history." -Conan O'Brien

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"Listen to this: In 2009, the FBI reported a 20 percent decrease in the number of people robbing banks. There was, however, a huge increase in the number of banks robbing people." -Jimmy Fallon

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PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Less than two weeks after converging upon the site of a devastating magnitude 7.0 earthquake, American anthropologists have confirmed the discovery of a small, poverty-stricken island nation, known to its inhabitants as 'Haiti.'

--The Onion

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Iowa state representative Darrell Hanson didn't get his full agenda accomplished during his time in office. Hanson had taken up the cause of former state Sen. Willard Hansen to amend the state Constitution's language describing the state seal. Section 1A.1 describes the seal as including a depiction of a "citizen soldier, with a plow in his rear, supporting the American flag and liberty cap with his right hand, and his gun with his left," among other requirements. "Willard always felt sorry for the poor guy described as 'the citizen soldier, with a plow in his rear'," Hanson said. "But his attempts to change that language to 'with a plow behind him' never went anywhere." Hanson's efforts also failed. (Des Moines Register) ...There was public support to change the wording to a "politician with his head up his rear," but no representatives got behind that, either. --This Is True

"Floor Collapses at Weight Watchers Meeting" --London Times headline