This is a digest of what I have failed to share during the past two months, and this will be the last of the Picayune for a while. Perhaps we will meet again in September. Have a great summer unless, of course, you have made other plans. Meanwhile, this is adorable: http://www.wimp.com/babymoose. Drop everything and go there right now! --tlm

ARIZONA AND ILLEGAL ALIENS

"This week Arizona signed the toughest illegal immigration law in the country, which would allow the police to demand identification papers from anyone they suspect is in the country illegally… Can we all agree that there's nothing more Nazi than saying, `Show me your papers?' There's never been a WWII movie that didn't include the line, 'Show me your papers.' It's their catchphrase. Every time someone says 'Show me your papers,' Hitler's family gets a residual check. So heads up Arizona, that's fascism. I know, I know, it's a dry fascism, but it's still fascism." —Seth Meyers, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"As you know, Arizona recently passed the toughest anti-immigration bill in American history. The idea behind this bill is to drive illegal immigrants out of Arizona and back to their homeland of Los Angeles." —Jay Leno

"Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer signed the nation's toughest anti-immigration bill into law. It's unbelievable. It makes it a crime as a state law to be in the country illegally. It lets police question anyone about their status. You know what this means? Rich people in Arizona may have to start raising their own children now." —Jay Leno

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch — or maybe you're the governor of Arizona." —Craig Ferguson

“They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million." —David Letterman

THE OIL SPILL

"This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo." —Bill Maher, on the oil spill on the Gulf of Mexico

"By the way, Sarah Palin, if you're watching, how is that offshore drilling working out for ya?" —David Letterman

"They say the oil spill has the potential to kill more wildlife than a Sarah Palin hunting trip." —David Letterman

"You folks been following the big British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico? I'm telling you, British Petroleum has put more birds in oil than Colonel Sanders." —David Letterman

"On Monday, British Petroleum promised to pay all necessary cleanup costs for this oil spill. And they said they will do it, no matter how much they have to raise gas prices." —Jay Leno

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." —David Letterman

"The oil company said it was the rig company's fault. The rig company said it was Halliburton. And somehow, each time they passed the blame, Goldman Sachs made a hundred million dollars." —Bill Maher

THE FINANCIAL CRISIS

"The top executive of Goldman Sachs testified before Congress today, which proves crooks always return to the scene of the crime." —Jay Leno

--Jay Leno: 'The head of Goldman Sachs was going through security and was asked to empty his pockets – and five Republican senators fell out.'

"The stock market took a huge dive on Thursday. It was so bad, Goldman Sachs had to lay off three congressmen." —Jay Leno

Good Wednesday morning. Jay Leno: 'Greece is a relatively small country -- it would be like a state over here. But it over-spent and over-borrowed, promised expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, [if] that state [were here], [then] it would be California.'

PUBLISHING NEWS

"George W. Bush's memoir is coming out in November. It's called 'Decision Points.' They asked him if he used a ghostwriter and he said, 'No, the guy's still alive.'" —David Letterman

"Well, it was announced today that President Bush's book will be released Nov. 9. The book will be called 'Decision Points.' It will be centered on 14 decisions President Bush made during his presidency. See, this should silence the critics who claim Dick Cheney made all of the decisions. This book will prove Bush made at least 14 of them." —Jay Leno

"Is it really a good thing for President Bush to remind us of the decisions he made? I would have just let people forget." —Jimmy Kimmel

"And his wife, Laura Bush, also has written a book. They're going to be published at the same time. Both have memoirs. Her story and his story. I was thinking, well, whose book would you rather read? The one by the librarian or the one by the guy who choked on a pretzel?" —David Letterman

TERRORIST NEWS

"The Pakistani Taliban has claimed responsibility for Saturday's failed car bomb attack in Times Square. I'm no terrorism expert, but I don't think it makes you scarier when you claim responsibility for something that failed." —Jimmy Fallon

"Authorities say Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bombing suspect, used the wrong kind of fertilizer, which is what happens when you don't watch Martha Stewart." —Jimmy Kimmel

"The government announced today they're making big changes to the do-not-fly list. Apparently, asking terrorists to be on the honor system has not been working." —Jay Leno

Jay Leno: 'The Obama administration has revealed the size of America's nuclear arsenal. The U.S. has 5,113 warheads: approximately a thousand of them aimed at China, a thousand of them aimed at Russia, and the rest, of course, aimed at Fox News.'

WINGNUT CRACKPOT NEWS

Now here’s a candidate for a Conservative Crackpot Hypocrite of the Year award:

Miami’s New Times weekly is out with a blockbuster story about George Alan Rekers, a founder (with James Dobson) of the Family Research Council, and his European vacation with an “assistant” he hired who says he was hired by Rekers via the gay escort service Web site, Rentboy.com.

"The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card." —Jay Leno

INTERNATIONAL NEWS

Brindisi - April 7, 2010 - A local shipbuilder has defended his plan to build an exact replica of a Venetian gondola out of fiberglass rather than wood despite criticism from the lagoon city and its association of gondoliers.

"All we are trying to do is make a product which is cheap and even innovative, given that we use technology invented to produce 'Jumbo' jets," explained Giuseppe Gioia, owner and operator of the Cantieri Navali Brindisi shipyards here.

A classic gondola, made out of eight different woods, costs over 25,000 euros to make.

"We know perfectly well that Venice city regulations do not allow gondolas which were not made out of wood, but just the same we wanted to inform Venetian gondoliers about our new product," he added.

The head of the Venice gondoliers association, Aldo Reato, branded the idea of a 'plastic' gondola as "outrageous" and added "we are not in some amusement park here, this is Venice!".

According to Reato, either the Brindisi shipyard did not understand the reality of Venice or it was out to seek some free publicity.

"We gondoliers are a part of this city's history, one of its symbols, and we do not intend to be an advertising vehicle for anyone, in this case or any other one," he said.

Gioia said he would go ahead with his plan to build fiberglass gondolas because "not everyone may know this but gondolas are also used in California and the United Arab Emirates".

"And they could even be used in other Italian seaside cities. Here, for example, we've proposed that passengers on visiting cruise ship be offered a gondola tour of the port," he added.

Gioia admitted, however, that this idea had yet to draw a response from city officials.

--Only In Italy

"Iranian Missile May Be Able to Hit U.S. by 2015" -- Reuters headline

"Helpline Priest Falls Asleep During Suicide Call for Help" -- London Telegraph headline

ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS

DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

D Price

District Representative and Water Management Division. avid L.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood 'debris' dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials 'debris.'

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream 'restored' to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

BUREAUCRAT NEWS

The Columbia County courthouse in Hudson, N.Y., finally has a handicapped-accessible water fountain. The fountain was installed after a now-7-year-old report noted deficiencies under the 1990 Americans with Disabilities Act. "We're doing that for every building," promises Public Works Commissioner David Robinson. "We want to satisfy the settlement agreement." The new fountain may not fully satisfy the law, however: it's on the courthouse's second floor, which is accessible only by stairs. (Hudson Register-Star) ...Well, by the time someone gets to the top of the stairs in a wheelchair, they're really gonna need a drink. --This Is True

Boys at North Marion High School in Ocala, Fla., knew the locker room was trouble: it was common for valuables and cash to disappear from lockers during gym class, and it had been going on for years. A student finally put his cell phone in an empty locker to record what happened while students were out, and allegedly caught the thief on video: Steven Simmons, a P.E teacher, who has 25 years of service in the district. The student took the video to sheriff's deputy Tasha Nix, the school resource officer, who confronted the 49-year-old teacher. Simmons allegedly confessed. He was arrested for theft and has resigned. School officials took quick action to ensure nothing like this would ever happen again -- by threatening to expel the student for "using" his cell phone at school against school rules. (Ocala Star- Banner) ...But backed off when parents with torches and pitchforks surrounded the administration building. --This Is True

ANNIVERSARIES

"The birth control pill turned 50 today. And 'But I thought you were on the pill' turned 49 and a half." —Jimmy Kimmel