"Former Democratic congressman Eric Massa resigned on Monday amid allegations that he groped male staff workers. Massa claims he was tickling them and then claimed he was being forced out over his healthcare vote. If you're wondering why we don't have healthcare, it's because there's too much tickling in Congress." -Jimmy Kimmel

"New York congressman Eric Massa has resigned his post this week after allegations that he groped his male staff. If it's not Charlie Rangel trying to get into your wallet, it's Eric Massa trying to get in your pants." -Jay Leno

"Massa was on Glenn Beck and he showed a book of graphic photos of things sailors did for fun when at sea. The book was so graphic, they couldn't show them on the air. Now if you're trying to convince people you're not gay, you probably shouldn't show your big book of naked sailors." -Jay Leno

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"Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago." -Craig Ferguson

"This is cool. President Obama is going to hold a major space conference to unveil an ambitious new plan for NASA. Obama called it 'one small step for man, one giant distraction from health care, two wars, and the recession.'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"And in an interview in Time magazine, former Gov. Eliot Spitzer of New York -- I love this -- he said that having sex with hookers is not nearly as bad as having an affair. Guys, let me tell you something. Don't try this excuse at home, O.K. Eliot Spitzer is a politician. He is a trained professional liar. You will get killed!" -Jay Leno

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"Former President Bush announced today he is writing a book on how he made decisions while in the White House. The book will be divided into the two chapters, 'Heads' and 'Tails.'" -Jay Leno

"Record ratings for the Oscars. Kathryn Bigelow won best director for her film about the Iraq war. But in her speech, she forgot to thank the two people without whom this film could never have been made -- Bush and Cheney." -Jay Leno

"Everyone watch the Oscars? Big night for 'The Hurt Locker', which of course is a film about the war in Iraq, which, I guess explains why Obama called the director and was like, 'How did you end it?'" -Jimmy Fallon

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"I find it strange that Sarah Palin would be shopping for a reality show considering the fact that she hasn't shown much interest in reality." -Jimmy Kimmel

From David Letterman's Top Ten Questions Rod Blagojevich Asked Himself Before Appearing On 'Celebrity Apprentice:'

'Can I get paid in shampoo?'

'Will my hair get along with Trump's hair?'

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A woman in Bochum, Germany, called police in a panic: there was a terrible noise in her bedroom, and she had no idea what it could be. Officers were immediately dispatched: dispatchers could even hear it over the phone. "Daringly, and with the occupier's permission, one of the officers opened the drawer of a wardrobe where the noise was coming from," police said in a press release. "Underneath some clothes he found a very personal, battery-operated object which had obviously switched itself on," the report continued. "The tenant's face abruptly changed color," and the officers "wished her a nice evening and left." (AFP) ...You might consider Bochum police to be sensitive, caring, and discreet -- until you consider the fact they issued a press release on the case. --This Is True